Breathe

Monday

It's been a while since I've posted anything. We've had my step-son in town and it was very busy around here, but fun. He is so much like his father. It amazes me. In many ways he truly is his clone.

I think to myself how this speaks to the immortality we have through our children. My older son (from my first marriage) looks really like his father as well. Dark hair, brown eyes, etc. No physical signs (other than long eyelashes) that look like me. Yet, his nature, his need to love so closely - that is from me. It makes me smile that some small portion of my nature has been passed to him. Our youngest son has the blonde hair, big blue eyes and pale complexion (from me and my husband) yet he still looks/and has actions more like his father. He has small parts of me there as well. I find it funny that our boys are more like their fathers than me but I can always see that small essence and it warms my heart. There is my immortality.

I don't know what comes after this life. I would like to think that there is a rebirth into another life to learn more and more. I really do think that there is no hell since we humans do an excellent job in this world creating our own.

Having my oldest son here for a visit this week brought to my attention that I'm really aging. More than I've been paying attention to. I have lines that I've not noticed before. Parts are not toned as they once were, have extra weight that never came off after the last child (7 years ago). I fluctuate between being proud of who I am as a woman and looking at those lines as signs of character and experience and beauty and welcoming my age and between the difficulty in seeing myself as a desirable older woman who has dreams and goals that she's not completed yet. The ironic part is that they are not mutually exclusive. I can welcome my age and still feel attractive and pursue my dreams. The limitations are in my mind. That sand trap that sits inside my head. I keep swinging to get out of it and every once in a while I'm successful.

I guess we all struggle with this at some point. I'm in my early 40's and see myself changing more rapidly than before and I'm both a little scared and a little excited. I'm weird that way. I guess I've always on some level felt like a much older soul but one who liked to have a lot of fun. Age is in the mind is what I've heard. I think that is true. I just have to train my 'monkey mind' that the only one that can limit me is myself and I've got to get out of my own way.

My dreams have been fairly simple I think. I wanted a great husband and kids and I certainly have that. I wanted to have a decent place for us to live and we have that. I wanted a garden and this year we have that as well. The other dreams: traveling and trying to find my true calling. I love art. I love to paint and sew. I even enjoyed pottery. I guess I would like to think that my painting would be my dream now. To evolve as a painter; to put things to canvas that truly move others, not just myself. Art that touches our soul on some level. That is what I want to create. I guess that is my dream now. (that and getting out of debt and having money for the kids college, but I digress - lol)

I guess fear is my biggest obstacle. I fear failing, not being good or good enough, of judgement, of not having any ideas, of regretting not pursuing art, of pursuing art and not being heard and of becoming invisible to not only others but myself (guess that's the ego talking).

As a stay at home mom (having left corporate life last year) it's been hard to pursue dreams. This is a REALLY tough job and anyone who says otherwise is an ass. I will completely be honest, the transition for me has not been easy. My jobs have increased so much. There are lunches to make, laundry to wash, floors to clean, tubs to scrub, dishes to wash, insurance claims to file, gardening/weeding to do, driving kids to and fro, errands to run, groceries to buy, children to bathe, beds to make, dinner to make, stories to be read, homework to help with, PTA meetings, volunteering, and the list goes on and on. It is easy to feel unappreciated in that mix because you are on the job 24/7. There are no vacation days or sick pay. There are no bonuses or office parties. No company gym or co-workers to chat with. Yet through all of this, I know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing. I'm being there. I'm being present as the Buddha says to be. I am in the middle of life even though at times I am tricked by my mind that I'm not. That somehow others are really living and somehow by being at home, I'm not.

I think we can be truly present anywhere if we focus our attention there. So I guess, if I sit down and give focus to my dreams, to being present, to enjoying aging, to taking chances with art, then I can really KNOW that I'm present, that I'm really living right where I am, that I am perfect just the way I am.

Now if I can only remember all this, I'll be doing good (no pressure). Now please pass the valium. ;D

Be present!

~Peace

Michelle